“Our deepest fears can be a powerful source of reflection and liberation”
My first day of formal teaching in a conventional classroom was my first contact with “professional fears” and it was also the first step to accomplish one of my personal goals in life: to become a teacher of English. I had always desired to be a recognised educator of the second language since I had dreamed about my first class as a teacher when I was just 11. My first experience in an institution arouse several sensations and emotions since I was still a second-year-student at the teacher’s training college: while I was feeling really exhilarated, all sorts of fears appeared and several interrogations came into my mind. My mind still has marvelous images of that day: my student’s eyes wide open, the long “30-seconds-silence” when I entered the room and the affection I received from a group of girls near my desk at the very moment I pronounced the word: “Hello!”.
After the formal greeting, my head seemed to be transformed into a computarised device because doubts emerged in my head. I had realised I was in front of a group who were expectant of what was about to happen. This was my first encounter with a group of pupils and I really aspired to cause a good impression because first impressions are of supreme importance in our materialistic society. The course was a class of 42 students in 9th year whose faces revealed certain fear as well. Although I had previously reflected on what sort of teacher I would like to be and I had also practised in front of the mirror, at that exact moment I could not avoid being nervous. After introducing myself in the target language, my students appeared to be shocked at such experience and they looked reluctant to participate. I felt some type of frustration but I knew something for certain: they had been moved by my action, whether positively or negatively. Questions such as:
`Should I resort to the mother tongue to continue?’, `Should I translate’; etc. I encouraged myself by thinking that generally when individuals are not sure about what is to come, their feelings are concealed behind shyness or hostility. I finally asked them the reason why they did not respond to my requirements and one of them dared to admit that they were afraid of making mistakes since they were not accustomed to be addressed in the second language. I felt relieved, we all laughed and relaxation was present in the atmosphere. Towards the end of that year most of the learners could introduce themselves and follow instructions in the target language.
Being a timid and insecure person, I must confess that fears are quite present in my professional life. Nevertheless, I have discovered that fears should not be considered as a negative factor but as an elemental instrument in life. I do not despise fears because we can become “stronger” from our “weak points”. My fears of not being a good model, my fears of not transmitting the appropriate attitudinal and conceptual contents, my fears of becoming ‘that’ teacher I have never longed to be, etc. are part of my every day life. Fears encourage me to reflect on my way of teaching: when a class ends, I usually reflect on the class results, pace, rhythm and dynamic. Self-reflection cannot only be a tool to find errors but also to keep the professional on the search.
It’s been 4 years since my first day in a classroom and along these years I have valued my strengths as well as my weaknesses and fears because they have enriched my career. They allow me to renew the techniques I employ and to be a reflective tutor. Self-reflection is a gratifying experience due to human beings’ acceptance of others’ points of views and criticism.
As a conclusion, I should not be fearful of facing your fears, conversely, explore, anlyse and release them. As Nelson Mandela expressed in his inaugural address: ‘[…] As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.’
References:
*Tripp, D. (1993). Critical incidents in teaching. London; UK: Routledge. (xiii-vvii, 1-8).
Clarifications: The header was included in this first draft as well as in all its versions.
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